Rare Brazilian Sars-CoV-2 variant transmissible through listening to “Baile Funk,” experts claim

BREAKING: SAO PAOLO: Experts at the Universidade do Brasil Sao Paolo Hospital reported today that an area man (who has asked to remain anonymous) has tested positive for the rare Brazilian P1 variant of Sars-CoV-2 from listening to the country’s popular dance genre known as “Baile Funk.”

Baile Funk, also known as favela or carioca funk, is an upbeat genre of Brazilian dance music characterized by its highly syncopated percussion, catchy wind instrument melodies, and often vulgar lyrics. It has been gaining popularity worldwide and may pose as a global health threat as individuals who listen may contract the variant and spread it further.

“I don’t know what happened” proclaimed the man through labored breath as he lay intubated on the hospital stretcher. “I had my headphones on and after the second ‘boom cha cha’ [sic] I was dizzy and desperately gasping for air on the floor of my apartment.”

The man was immediately rushed to the University hospital where he received multiple anal COVID swabs and was soon after confirmed to have the P1 variant of the virus. “We honestly are not surprised at all that the virus can be transmitted through listening to music.” Says Martin Maffalda, MD, PhD, MPH, associate professor of Virology and Vaccinology at the University. “Sars-Cov-2 continues to prove itself as a force to be reckoned with and breaking all the rules of medicine as we know it. The virus has infected hundreds of billions and will probably kill even more than that.”

Upon news of the confirmed case, local authorities immediately enacted emergency action “CDBF,” or “chega de baile funk,” which translates roughly to “no more Baile Funk.”

“We need people to understand what we are dealing with here. That it is not a joke” explains Sao Paolo metro police commander Victor Viejo. “We have implemented highly sensitive city-wide condenser microphone-equipped drones that are built with hardware algorithms to recognize instrument patterns and vocals frequently used in the Baile Funk genre. If our drones detect any variation of the terms “Você Você” or “bum cha cha” repeated more than two times in rapid succession coming from any speakers or headphones, they will immediately dispatch officers to your location where you will be subjected to a mandatory anal COVID-19 swab. If you test positive, you will be taken to jail and quarantined for at least two weeks, with tests every other day.”

When approached with statistics about COVID-19 infections in Brasil and questioned about the economic feasibility of the R$2.8b ($511m USD) drone project, the commander quickly became defensive.

“Just because the virus has a more than 99% survival rate for the general public over the past year doesn’t mean anything” he exclaimed. “What happens if we just ignore the virus? Will it just go away? People are dying. You COVID deniers make me sick.”

After over a year of strict lockdowns, many home-bound citizens of Brazil’s Sao Paolo metropolitan area are feeling anxious and questioning the actions of their government as the economy and their mental health continue to decline at alarming rates. Many believe that the government’s reaction to the virus simply does not work, as cases continue to rise, and clinical leaders turn a blind eye to many cheap and effective outpatient treatments for COVID-19 and instead opt for widespread distribution of novel vaccines. News that the virus can be transmitted through music only added to their skepticism.

“I had to close down my business” says shaky-voiced former Bakery owner Paul Paolo, whose shop was raided and closed down in mid 2020 after two guests were found only standing 5.8 feet (1.76m) away from each other. “The police barged in with guns and… many swabs and then broke my windows and then tackled swabbed me and my wife and dog. Many times.”

Until the mechanism(s) of absorption, infection and other important data surrounding the phenomena of contracting the highly contagious and deadly Brazilian Sars-Cov-2 variant through music are collected, experts instead recommend choosing any of the many South American genres of music to listen to. Or, for those that do decide to go against the law to wear a mask and stay at least 6 ft (1.82m) from anyone when listening to Baile Funk to prevent the spread and flatten the curve.

“Will viruses ever go away? Of course not. Will we continue to force people to be locked indoors, wear useless masks to maybe save less than half of a percent of highly at-risk individuals while ignoring patients that need the care more than these people that have mild flu-like symptoms? Absolutely.” — Dr. Maffalda